JOKES

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A Minister told his congregation every single life experience - past, present, or future - is discussed somewhere in the Bible.

After church, a woman approached the Minister and said, "I don't believe the Bible addresses PMS."

The Minister tells her he is sure PMS is discussed somewhere, and he would find it and report back next week.

After church the next week, the Minister finds the woman and says, "I've found the reference to PMS!" He opens his Bible, flips pages, and reads: "...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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A boy is sitting in the living room when he hears his mother and father fighting. He runs into the kitchen and hears his dad call his mom a "Bitch". Mother turns around and calls dad a "Bastard". Confused the boy asks his parents the meaning of these words. The parents looking for a way out tell the boy that "Bitches" and "Bastards" are the guests. The boy satisfied with this answer returns to the living room.

After returning to the living room, the boy hears his parents fighting again. Returning to the kitchen, the boy hears his father tell his mother that she has "saggy tits". Mother then turns and tells father that he has "square balls". The son confused asks his parents the meaning of these words. The parents tell the boy that "square balls" and "saggy tits" are coats and hats. The boy satisfied leaves for the living room.

Minutes later the boy hears his dad upstairs yell "Shit". Running up the stairs the boy sees his dad shaving. The boy turns and asks his father the meaning of "Shit". Father looking for a way out tells the boy that the "Shit" is a new type of shaving cream. Satisfied the boy returns downstairs.

Just then the door bell rings. The boy runs and answers it. Seeing his parents guests for the evening he says "Heah you bitches and bastards, hang you square balls and saggy tits on the hanger over there. My dads in shaving the shit off his face and my moms in fucking the turkey".
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Gambling Old Lady

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account.  The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." 

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash.  I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one.  He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling." 

"Gambling?", he says.  "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds.  You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet lilttle old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.  "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to.  Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office.  The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one.  He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night.  He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.  When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat!  Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer.  For a bet of this size I want to have a witness.  Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president.  "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady.  "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally!  Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants.  The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. 

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.  As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset.  Poor loser if you ask me.  You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "FUCK, I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more.

"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".

It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "FUCK, I missed!!". Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".

It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "FUCK, I missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

Suddenly, a voice was heard in the clouds, "FUCK, I missed!!!"
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One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied.

15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour.

Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

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