Playing with train

 Once upon a time, there was a mother who was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches
who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!  And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." 
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!  Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 
Two hours later, the son comes out of his bedroom and resumes playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for riding with us today and I hope your trip was a pleasant one.  We hope you will ride with us again soon." 
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

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Tradition drink beer in the Middle East

A Syrian, a Palestinian, an Israeli and a Lebanese
were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer. The
Syrian grabs his beer, downs it, tosses his glass into
the air, draws a handgun, and shoots the glass in
mid-air. He grins to the others, puts the gun on the
bar and says, "In Syria we have so many glasses we
never drink out of the same glass twice".
The Palestinian then downs his beer, throws his glass
into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the
glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims, "In
Gaza we have so much sand which makes glass really
cheap, so we too never drink out of the same glass
twice".
The Israeli downs his beer, throws his glass into the
air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts
the gun back on the bar, and proclaims "In Israel, we
have so much money from U.S. aid we too never drink
out of the same glass twice".
The Lebanese looks at the three of them, finishes his
beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the
gun, shoots the Syrian, the Palestinian, and the
Israeli and says, "In Lebanon we have so many Syrians,
Palestinians and Israelis that we never have to drink
with the same ones twice".

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AN ACT OF  CHARITY

 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was
 shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. 

her husband called out 

"Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this
young woman looking tired and bedraggled. 

I brought her home and made her a meal 

from the roast beef you had forgotten about
in the fridge.
 She was bare-footed so I gave her your good  sandals

  which you had  discarded because they had gone out of style.
  She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I  bought 

for you for  your birthday 

but you never wore because the colour  didn't suit you.
 Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your  jeans,

 which  were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
 "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked,
  'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

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This guy walks into a bar and buys a bottle of
vodka and sculls it down in front of the
bartender. The bartender goes, "Mate, what's
wrong, haven't seen anyone do that in a while".
The guy replies, "My oldest son just told me he
was gay." The bartender replies, "that ain't
good," just before the guy collapses on the
floor in front of him. The next day the same guy
comes back in and buys another bottle of vodka.
"The bartender goes, "Mate, what's wrong this
time?" The guy goes, "My youngest son just told
my he was gay." Once again the bartender goes
"Mate, that’s fucken shockin," just like before
the guy collapses on the floor again. The guy
walks again the next day and buys a bottle of
vodka. The bartender goes "Mate, isn't there
anyone in you're family that likes woman?"

The guy reply, "Apparently my wife does

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BANK