Income Taxes

    A newly deceased man called Steve stands at the pearly gates                    where he find St. Peter telling him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes.
The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid ugly womanfor the next five years and enjoy it.
Steve decides that this is a small price to payfor an eternity in heaven.  So off he goes with an ugly stupid woman, pretending to be happy,
As he walks along he sees his friend Harry up ahead with an even uglier woman,  When he asks what's going on, Harry replies "I cheated on my income taxes  and scammed the government out of a lot of money."  They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to
help pass the time.
Now Steve, Harry, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone  who looks like their old friend John up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a
supermodel/centerfold.  Stunned, Steve and Harry approach the man and discover
that it is their friend, John.
They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess,  while they're stuck with these god-awful women. 

  John replies "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining.

  This has been absolutely the best time of my life,

 and I have had five years of the best sex

 any man could hope to look forward to.

  There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

  Every time we finish having sex,

 she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"

 

TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear  heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, they  would have been put further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who  annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.